First blog post

This is the post excerpt.


My very first blog…… I just wanted a space to put my thoughts, feelings…… so here it is conscious musings…. Continue reading “First blog post”

Journey of the soul

Today had been to see the mortal remains of a departed soul – How strange it feels to refer to this known person as “soul”, “mortal remains”.

I knew this person  well, but had not met for a couple of years now, unfortunately this person had become a victim of one of the dreaded diseases on the planet. I paid my respects and tried to do some small talk with the most dear ones. I kept thinking about how luxurious a life this person had, no worries about wealth, love and affection, but health was the only score which failed here. It pained me to think that this person though with good finances was battling the disease, yet nothing could be done to overcome it and all the wealth, the caring people are all left behind.

I recently read a saying, “It is what we do while we are Here that is important and not what we Have”… so true isn’t it. We can have enormous amount of wealth, friends and so on… but nothing or none can change our destiny or come along with us. But what we do here,stays with us and also behind us forever.

But, the what we do is also important. We may do plenty of social service, which will remain and go down in memories of people — yes, go down, since with passage of time, people and their causes are forgotten and memories are diluted. So, what then is that we have to do which stays with “US”, the “Soul”.

It is time now to realise that this “Soul” cannot be destroyed and also that it has repeated cycle of Birth and Death… yes, we will continue to be born again and again… maybe as Humans or as any other living being and the cycle of learning and educating ourselves starts all over once again. But, what we have done in our past, i.e. in terms of spiritual advancement continues to be with us all through in all births. After all we are carrying Krsna seated in our hearts always in all forms of our births!!!

I prayed for the departed soul and hoped that the soul had been enlightened, self realised in this birth so that the onward journey would be easier and it would reach it’s ultimate destination – the Lord’s Lotus feet.

Soul Search

Sometimes I wonder if I am so wrong in all my thoughts. Is it not right for me to have the very special feelings for you? Am I so wrong to even think about it? You conveniently decided it is all wrong. It is illicit. Against our Regulative principles as given in our shastras. But what about my feelings? my emotions? Dont they have a value? a place in your heart? Won’t I be the most cherished person for you anymore?

So many thoughts, so disturbed, but can’t show it around to anyone and to you too…

But the memories of all the wonderful feelings and times will always linger on in my mind and heart….

It was so easy for you to say… I am not good.. but so hard for me to accept that

Oh Krsna! why always my feelings and emotions are played upon. Don’t I deserve his love and affections. Can I not get back his closeness? My Soul longs for him sooo much, I always felt we were two bodies with one soul….but….

Are my thoughts and actions so untrue of the Sastras? Will you– Krsna—look down upon me and not be the “Karuna Sindhu”?

Long for the other half of my soul– soo much— difficult to think of distancing, separation… makes it so much like everyone else in this material world without an awakened consciousness….

anyonyacittavidusau nu parasparatmanityasthiteriti
nrsu prathitau yadavam
taccaupacarikamaho dvitayatvam eva
naikasya sambhavati karhicidatmano nau 

Sri Radhika says to sakhi: “Common people say, ‘Radha and Krsna are eternally present in each others’ hearts, and that is why They know each others’ minds.’ Factually, the real truth is this: We are one soul. It is not possible for one soul to become two.


I cannot and can never think of compare myself to the Supreme Lord, but felt I am in a similar situation….

But I cannot be as sacrificing as Srimati Radharani…. I am so selfish….I so much long for the other half of my soul….. Krsna— you brought us together…. you need to make the other half understand my true feelings… give me my place in life, in heart …



It’s been so long since you actually spoke to me properly my friend. I sometimes wonder if you actually consider me too as a friend. Can any friendship exist without speaking, interacting, talking? Why does it have to be anger all the time? I sometimes wonder if you actually have any Love and Affection for me.

I have been reflecting through, it’s always been me who tries to talk to you, wants to be with you, keen on showing my Love and Affection for you. But, it’s never been the other way. There has never been a time when you have come back to me trying to console me, cajole me (sigh).

It really hurts a lot when you just stop speaking or communicating. Isn’t there anything to talk or communicate to me? as a friend?

Trust is the most important part of a relationship, closely followed by communication. I think that if you have those two things, everything else falls into place – your affection, your emotional connection.

Maybe this saying explains all. O! Krishna, O! Madhava, why does this have to be like this? Everytime, it’s me who has to compromise, receive all anger and irritation and wait for my friend to be back… Is this what is known as separation? No communication. Just look at each other as ghosts.

When Krishna left the Rasa dance and disappeared, the gopis felt intense separation from their lover Krishna. To remember Him they imitated His pastimes and repeated His words to them. Krishna is the most handsome male, and with His sweet words, He won their hearts. Although some of the gopis were married, they could not forget Krishna for a moment of their lives. All living beings are female to Lord Krishna and meant to be enjoyed by Him. Lord Krishna’s disappearance from the gopis is mentioned in the Srimad-Bhagavatam, 10th canto, 30th chapter.

Such descriptions of Kṛṣṇa’s transcendental pastimes and activities were remembered by the gopīs during His absence from Vṛndāvana. They give us some idea of Kṛṣṇa’s attraction. Everyone and everything is attracted to Kṛṣṇa–that is the perfect description of Kṛṣṇa’s attraction. The example of the gopīs is very instructive to persons who are trying to be absorbed in Kṛṣṇa consciousness. One can very easily associate with Kṛṣṇa simply by remembering His transcendental pastimes. Everyone has a tendency to love someone. That Kṛṣṇa should be the object of love is the central point of Kṛṣṇa consciousness. By constantly chanting the Hare Kṛṣṇa mantra and remembering the transcendental pastimes of Kṛṣṇa, one can be fully in Kṛṣṇa consciousness and thus make his life sublime and fruitful.

It is so true, and you my dear friend was the one who awakened this Consciousness and brought Krishna Consciousness in my life. Is my Love for you the devotee and Krishna so weak that you always are in anger with me? Always do not wish to accept my Love nor show any from your side?

“They do not Love, that do not show Love” – William Shakespeare

I hope it is not. O!Krishna, I hope you will sincerely give me my share of Love and Affection from my dearest friend.  I am waiting for communications.


Love and Lust

Cozy and warm were those moments and times when you suddenly held me in your arms, held me tightly to your chest. It was the best and most precious moment of my life! A cherished and most adorable moment. It made me think you want me very much in your life, you have a special place for me in your heart. Although over the years, you have never once said what I really mean to you. Alas, I was happy too soon. You just send a message saying, everything is Lust! I felt so shattered, hurt and sad. It hurt me too deeply that you feel everything was Lust between us. Was there not any Love at all? Don’t I mean anything special to you? Don’t you ever feel like acknowledging any Love for me??

I have been pondering over this for the last so many days… wondering what is the difference between Love and Lust. Definitions say, Love – is an intense feeling of deep affection. Lust – an intense desire for gratification. I was wondering when did I crave for only gratification? Over the years, in many situations when you actually hurt me, got angry with me beyond words, all because of someone saying few things about me or something going wrong, at every stage, I have always only felt like standing by you, supporting you through everything, irrespective of how you were behaving with me. Was all that not Love? Yes, I do know I like to hold your hand, I was literally clinging to it when you allowed me to the other day, but not with Lust, it is the feeling of Love, the desire to just stick to you and be with you always.

I read the below verse from Srimad Bhagvatam and understood how only the desire for gratification is clearly lust.

vikriditam vraja-vadhubhir idam ca visnoh

sraddhanvito ’nusrnuyad atha varnayed yah

bhaktim param bhagavati pratilabhya kamam

 hrd-rogam asv apahinoty acirena dhirah

The extraordinary power of Lord Krsna’s conjugal pastimes is clearly revealed here. Qualitatively, the Lord’s spiritual, loving pastimes are the diametric opposite of material, lusty affairs, so much so that simply by hearing about the Lord’s pastimes a devotee conquers sex desire. By reading pornographic literature or hearing about material romance, we certainly do not conquer sex desire but rather increase our lust. But hearing or reading about the Lord’s conjugal affairs has exactly the opposite effect because they are of the opposite nature, being purely spiritual. Therefore it is by the causeless mercy of Lord Krsna that He exhibits His rasa-lila within this world. If we become attached to this narration, we will experience the bliss of spiritual love and thus reject the perverted reflection of that love, which is called lust.

But, my feelings for you are not lusty. I cannot explain nor express, but hope you will understand. Oh Krsna! Why don’t you make my friend understand about my love, from so many years I have always had it in my heart. Yes, the touch and the hug was nice. But, I didn’t see it with lust. Saw only love in it.

Krsna as Paramatma within you and me would understand my true feelings for you and surely He will clear this up soon. Love for Krsna and being strong in devotional service is our aim and we both will definitely achieve it but want the Love and affection from you too. The all Merciful Krsna – only you can clear this Love and Lust (mis)understandings. The Gopis of Vraja were fortunate to Love Krsna unconditionally and every act of theirs was with Love. I cannot even think of such a comparision, but my love towards you – His devotee is like that, only now it is being seen as Lust.


Love- Affection- Hurt

Love- Affection- Hurt

It’s been so long since I posted, a little too caught up. Suddenly there was lot of love and affection showered on me, it felt so nice, so much of the belongingness. The sudden show of love and affection was really overwhelming, and all incidents are so vivid infront of me, but alas, it just changed. One single message, and everything was withdrawn.

Mind was reeling, heart was crying out and all the tears just kept pouring out, so difficult to cry too these days… all would wonder what is wrong. But the pain in the heart is not seen by the one who has to see. The agony is not felt at all. Why always it has to be me? Why always the Love and affection phase is so shortlived and only hurt and anger is for longer duration? Do I deserve only this?

Amidst such thoughts, I was musing about Srimati Radharani and Krishna. How Radharani must have felt when Krishna just left Vrindavana and never returned there. How all the Gopis, kept looking forward to meet Him with all their love and affection in their heart. Really great that despite everything, they always chanted Krishna’s name with so much love and were eager to do anything and everything for Him. Ofcourse, it is not a comparision, it was the thought to show how Love placed in the right place is always merited.

I have also shown always my Love and affection, even though you have hurt me several times, even now recently too. Ofcourse will always continue to do so, but there are moments when I am also angered and feel really crushed and sad. Oh Krishna, isnt there a way to make this person understand about my true love and affection?

It would be nice and best if you could see the good and not see the bad in me, and connect through the soul. A soulful relationship!

“sarvasya chaham hridi sannivisto”
God is seated in everyone’s heart.

“ishvarah sarva-bhutanam
hrd-dese ’rjuna tishthati”

The Supreme God dwells/resides in the hearts of all beings

Krishna is all present in our hearts and I am sure He has understood where the mistake is. Waiting for Him to set it right, nice and make it beautiful and lasting for this lifetime with no more rifts.


Home….. Permanent Home

Every form, be it for any purpose, school/college admissions, at office, obtaining your Passport and so on… always has a section asking for “Permanent Residence”.  As a youngster always wondered what that meant, since we were the less fortunate family to not own a permanent residence, kept moving from city to city or homes within a city. It was always a challenge to say that I don’t have a permanent residence.

Years later when I connected with Spirituality a little strongly, my dearest friend was asking me about my permanent residence and I said, I don’t have one, I am like a wanderer, shifting homes. My friend’s reaction and explanation made me feel so happy.. for the first time, not having a permanent residence was just not only my problem, but of the entire Universe itself! Yes, we are all here in a temporary world, which is a temporary residence away from our true and actual homes…. our permanent residence. Where is this permanent residence then?

Krsna reveals in the Bhagavad Gita about which is our Permanent Residence and how to get there…. it is a very simple process of just taking to Spirituality by chanting “Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare”

By doing this one can easily go “Back To Home”, “Back to Godhead”… our Permanent Residence, where the address is the same for all of us… universally!



Life sometimes throws in such challenges when you least expect. When I met my dear friend years ago, there was so much of love, affection, trust, care, concern for each other. But, Poof!! everything just vanished, some owing to others poisoning the thoughts and some by wrongly understanding situations.

Misunderstandings can mar any relationship easily. To bring back the earlier charm, and life into the same, can really take a very long time, depending on the inclination of both the people involved. But why do we give our understanding a mis—why don’t we understand that the person who was so closest to the heart could not have meant or thought bad for us.

manyase yadi tac chakyam
maya drastum iti prabho
yogesvara tato me tvam
darsayatmanam avyayam

If You think that I am able to behold Your cosmic form, O my Lord, O master of all mystic power, then kindly show me that universal self.

The Lord cannot be understood or perceived by our mere senses. Arjuna could understand that for an ordinary person understanding the Supreme is next to impossible. One can understand the Lord only if and when He reveals himself to us.

I hope and pray to Lord sincerely that the truth be revealed soon and my dearest friend comes out of the (mis)understanding and our lovely friendship, a cherishable relationship is always strong in the bond of Krsna consciousness. Only miracles by the Lord can make this happen. Counting on miracles..

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