Life’s Journey

Just a day ago a friend’s mother left this earthly world. It was so strange, people who had lost contact also got to hear about this news and came there to offer their last respects to departed soul and also as a support to the friend. I just felt the body becomes so helpless and is at the mercy of all and sundry. As a new born we are in such a plight, we are at the mercy of all, we get fed, dressed, cleaned etc. by others, but the main difference here is we can atleast cry and indicate displeasure. But once the body is dead, the soul has gone away, there is no control. It is completely at the mercy of others. Whatever rituals, customs they would follow to give the body a decent end has to be undergone without any voice!

And everything that the individual owned, now no longer belongs to them! Absolutely no possessions on the body, just a thin cloth to cover it before it is cremated. Then for what do we struggle and strive so much? For what do people fight so much? Why bear grudges, stop talking to people? What do we get in the end. People whom we might have shunned in our lives might be the ones who might care for us in the end. There is no point in all such quarrels, grudges etc. If no fights, then told coldness with no interactions is also incorrect. If someone was in your heart all along and you valued that person, then one should leave behind the ego and just go and talk to them. Once that person is no more, you cannot get another chance to speak to them. Its best to just forget any differences, sort it out by talking openly. After open talking, one should not just distance again thinking that I have cleaned my heart out and now I dont wish to associate with the person again. If, there have been many years of togetherness, definitely there was a bond and there was love and affection in it. Revive that and dont just neglect or kill it to repent later in life.

Dont know why but felt this friend needs to let go off all such anger and just re-connect with all friends again. Krishna should open the eyes and ears to see the scheminess of certain people and make it clear to them that they are now close with a reason. It is high time the Loyal ones are made clear.

Krishna knows best about what has to happen when, where, why and ofcourse to Whom!

Sarvam Sri Krishnarpanam Astu

Wrecked

Its been more than a year now since you broke the news and went your way. I am sure you are very well settled and happy in life. Should be, after all you got whatever you wanted and desired since long. I am still unable to fathom how you made the decision, not once thought about me. How I would be without you. Its easy to say I am wrong, but I am sure you know that so were you and also the other person. I am unable to understand Krsna’s plans, the holder of the blue print, definitely He has lot of good for me too, which at this moment is not visible to me. Never had I thought in all these years of our closeness one day you would just walk out of my life and I would be just seeing the stars. Yes, it is all Krsna’s plans, but somehow unable to still overcome this. My grief, pain cannot be understood by anyone, only you and Krsna can understand. You– choose not to understand, though you see me with such tears and painful eyes. Krsn, I know not what He thinks.

I truly trust and have complete faith in your decisions Krsna. But, at times I loose my patience, anxious to know how it will be further. Whether we will continue to remain friends forever, whether I would be involved in all tasks and create more wonderful memories. So many questions and looking for answers. Wondering why O’Lord, the Supreme of all, You are not helping me with answers. Not giving me back the person whom I so much want in my life always, with the same closeness, warmth, affection…

Forgetting—- so difficult

Whenever we meet friends, relatives or even an aquaintance, while parting, we always say don’t forget me, please keep in touch etc. But, do we really mean that?? In a majority of the cases, it would be a courtesy. Some, we pursue to keep in touch, some others do and would want to be in touch with us. That is how the relationship is kept alive and several cases it grows into something really very strong.

But, if a strong relationship has to break, what effort does one have to put in? You just ignore the person, do your best to humiliate them, not involve them in all those activities which you once always looked to do it with them. Not share anything personal, just keep it as professional as possible, or even on professional level avoid to the maximum extent by trying to involve others and working more with them than with you!

We know from the Bhagavad Gita that Change is constant and everything, everyone in this Universe do change. A small baby changes and keeps growing up to be a nice young boy/girl and eventually to a man/woman and then sets in old age. At work front, whatever we were executing manually is now being replaced by technology. Friends who grew up with you, are now spread across the globe etc. Change is constant and mandatory as per what Krishna has mentioned. But, there is this iota of doubt, why does a person who showed so much affection, attention, kept you very involved in all facets of their life at all times, suddenly decide on something so drastic in their life, without even discussing the impact of that decision on you and later do everything to hurt you, make you feel humiliated, try to build a distance and keep you away from all activities. Is this right on their part Krishna? You are the silent witness to everything. I know you are silently watching it all, silently seeing how some people schemed to end a beautiful relationship and succeeded too. Why then aren’t you doing anything? Am I so unlovable that I need to be hurt more and more? Why aren’t you making someone realize and understand their mistake? Can the truth not be shown to them? How someone schemed it all the way to be in their life? I know nothing can happen without your will, you have the blue print. I hope the truth is seen. I can only pray and ask for you to make someone realize their share of mistakes. O’Krishna, I realized very late but, that you and you alone are the one who has been with me all through. But, why did you have to put me in this situation in life?

Try as much, I am really unable to forget everything. The hurt, the pain, sadness is not leaving me at all. I need your help Krishna. Please, do help, please guide me. I sincerely surrender to you. Please guide me further. Please help me.

This is my distress message to you O’Lord. Help me forget the person who has brought me into this stage, who just left me midway and went their way chasing someone else without a second thought.

O’merciful Lord, please accept this fallen and sinful soul and guide me. Surrendering at your Lotus feet.

Picking up

Its been a long hiatus since I posted something. Heart was so hurt that nothing seemed important. Just went about the monotony — life. Yes, that is how it has become now. Deeply shattered internally with all the events that unfurled. Never had dreamt you would take such a decision and shatter me completely. You didnt even realise the pain I am going through nor did you care. You were so happy that you got what you wanted, for which you waited since long.

The thought that I was used, keeps haunting me very much. Also the thought that how could Krishna do like this. I really wish to have some answers as to how you could just let go of me and accept someone so easily in your life. It was like you just wanted me out of your life and wanted to be happy without me there. Like a fool I gave so much of my life time to you. But grateful you taught me many good things to progress with the spiritual pursuits. I sincerely hope that Krishna will lead me further and help me out.

But, my wish is that Krishna should also show you some truths, which has been hidden from you, how they manipulated it to get into your life. I wish you would see that and understand your mistakes and how you have pained me so much.

I realized one thing – no matter how sincere, loyal you are, it has no value, people only go by scheming and cunningness and are happy to go with it. Only Krishna in the heart is with you at all times and in all ways. I sincerely believe that Krishna had created some situations between us, not just like that– definitely He must have had a plan, which He will unfold at the right time. I will wait for His plan, definitely He doesnt do anything without a purpose.

ātyantika-vyādhiharaṁ janānāṁ
cikitsakaṁ veda-vido vadanti
saṁsāra-tāpa-traya-nāśa-bījaṁ
govinda dāmodara mādhaveti

The knowers of the Vedas say that these names are the cure-all of the worst diseases of mankind, and are the seed of the destruction of the threefold miseries of material existence. Hence O tongue, utter “Govinda, Damodara, Madhava!” (41)

Sometimes I feel you should teach the person a lesson for what has been done to me. Played with my feelings so much. But, then I remember that you are the person who has the blue print and you know all. If something has happened, then it is not without your knowledge and it is ultimately your play. You are the director. Maybe this actor had to undergo all this.

End of a journey?

Years ago a serial was telecast on Doordarshan – the only channel back then – Yatra, the story revolved around a train journey where different passengers came together and each one had their own problems, desires wants and in the course of the journey as they befriended each other, some found solutions some found solace in the company and they chugged along until each one had to disembark as their respective destinations were reached. There was sadness about parting and each promised to stay in touch and continue the bond that was built in a short span of time.

In Gurucharitre of Lord Dattatreya (an expansion of the Supreme Lord- Sri Krishna), we come across an analogy given by the Lord, saying the logs of wood come together while floating in a stream, but with time, and as per wind and other conditions of the terrain, they get separated.

It’s so true in life too, we come together and when our time together is over, we just get disconnected with each other in life. The time spent together will always be cherished and remain in our hearts as memories. Very rare cases, the bond continues till the end, most cases they get broken, some are revived and most are lost in time.

I really never wanted to end our journey, although many a time when you simply got angry with me, I just felt perhaps I should just move out of your life so that you will be happy. Now, with the turn of events, I am finding it so difficult to accept this change and understand that I am no longer needed by you in your life. You have someone who is most dearest and closest to you. I stand no chance to be a part of your life. Atleast for now, the light at the end of the street looks toooo dim. Ofcourse the blue print is with Krsna- the Supreme Lord, who knows how to change anything in life. Just as I never thought life would bring this twist, we know not what else is in Krsna’s blue print and as per His plan everything happens. I simply sincerely hope with lot of optimism, you would just be back apologizing and give me back the position, priority in your life again. Ofcourse I cant wish for anything bad to you, but sincerely hope that Krsna will open your eyes and show you many a truth about the one whom you feel deserves your closeness, sympathy, love and affection.

The Substitute

Dictionary defines Substitute as –

noun

a person or thing that takes the place of somebody/something else

In life we pass through many situations where we end up substituting for others or get someone to substitute us. It could be for missing a class, or in a game when we are injured or in some cases the bolder ones substitute others in an exam etc.

Life sometimes makes you take the position of a substitute in relationships too!!! Atleast that is what you realise in the end. Yes, my own feelings and experience. I never realised I was looked upon as a substitute to someone in their absence. Once the rightful person came back, I obviously was shown the door and had to exit with no choice left. The pain of being used, cheated and played with on the emotions is too difficult to overcome. For everyone’s sake I need to put up a smile on the face, remain cheerful but inside only Krsna knows the hurt, the pain I am experiencing.

I only have one question lingering with me, Why Krsna? Why did you do this?Why did you allow someone to play with my emotions, my feelings? Why did you make me trust and believe that I was really very important and the most privileged and closest for someone. Everything got shattered now. Nothing left. You were settling into a new life with someone whom you said you always loved and here I was like a fool looking on hoping some miracle would happen and you would just come back to me apologizing. I never realised the distancing you built since last few years was all planned for this ultimate climax. You really got all that you wanted and I really lost everything! Wonder why krsna did this to me, Was I a person full of pride that he broke me up like this? I know not. I just had and will continue to have my faith in you Krsna that you will do good to me. yes, the fact remains is this place this bond that I had given will never be available to anyone else. I know only I have all this in my heart. Elsewhere its no more there, maybe it never was, after-all why will anyone have a true love for a substitute. It’s sad you never understood how you got schemed into this marriage. how the other person walked out of their wedlock conveniently and came back to you, it shattered one more person’s life in this bargain.

Anyways, ultimately its all done now, you got what you wanted and are happy. I only look to the Lord to hold me steady now and lead me as I am too weak in my mind, heart to even think of anything. They say faith causes miracles and hopes work, but I didn’t see them….. perhaps my faith is not really strong in your Krsna, you just didn’t fulfill my wishes. I always matched my steps with yours to walk in your path, aligned myself completely with you in everything. Never understood that you only felt I was a substitute to be had fun with and abandoned later.

I am suddenly too lonely in my life with no where to turn to. you just left me standing with lot of pain, tears in my heart and a very deeply hurt soul……… Krsna, where art thou……. I need you so much now. Dont know where to turn to, what to do – at crossroads.

The pain is really unbearable………… really deeply sad…….

Do you really listen Krsna

I have been sharing so much of my innermost feelings here since last couple of years. After my initial few shares, matters changed and things became nice. I basked in the attention showered on me. Then slowly came the change, and I got ignored. Initially I thought it was for a short span, later came to realise that there were changes being made at the other side. I prayed, cried and begged for you Krsna to clear all this, make the person see through everything, understand and then decide. Maybe you did that, so now at this juncture it got clear that I am left where I was while someone moves on to settle down.

What was my mistake in all this O dear Lord? You made someone play with my feelings. You made someone use me when there was loneliness for them. I came as a simple person to be friends, gave my shoulder for someone to lean on when they were fighting loneliness and sadness. Gave my all to help the person be cheerful, happy and showed immense love and affection too. Somewhere the emotional bonding and dependence grew. Initially it was someone chasing me to talk to me, to message me and longed to see me, spend time with me etc. Now, its the other way. The tables turned and so did the feelings. I was needed then, to be easily replaced with someone you always longed for. What was my mistake in all this? Why did you choose me to be hurt like this dear Krsna? The initial love and affection from someone changed so much over time to start disliking me so much now. What did I do to deserve all this O’Lord? Am I such a bad element that someone had to just forsake me? I no nought what will happen to me- suddenly tooo lonely in life. Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I overcome all this heartbreak Krsna? So much I long to be with someone always, but now I am not sure if that person wants me in their life. After all beginning a new life now. Not once did someone ever apologize, accept the feelings and say it is true, but just went into denial mode. Was it pretenence then all these years? Only you O Lord has the answer to all these questions? I wish you would reveal to me soon. I want to know if you are really listening to my cries. Dont my tears reach you Krsna? Just like someone has become stone hearted with me, you too dont listen is it anymore??

I know I am not a great devotee to expect any miracle to happen. Nor for you to come and reveal to me the truth. But I am sure you would have heard my sincere cries and prayers that someone be aware of what they are getting into before its too late. Please help Krsna. I am not a great devotee like Draupadi whose cries you heard. Nor am I shabari who waited with so much patience to just meet you. I am not Ahalya who proved her chastity. I know I am a wrong doer in many ways, but still hope that you will take care of me and help good sense prevail on someone. Please clear all wrong blamings on me, so that someone understands how wrongly I was fixed in all situations by many people. Rest is upto you Krishna. I sincerely believe this one line which someone told me years ago …..”na me bhaktya pranashyanti”… I am waiting for your hand to help me …. infromt of your charior you had made someone hold my hand– I am sure you wouldnt have done that without a reason.. ………Please help me O’ dear Lord. Very short time left now…….

Everything Gone

Everything collapsed and is gone now. You are so excited to be finally getting married and settling down in a new home with the one you loved the most all these years. You had never forgotten the person, kept so deeply embedded in your heart, made sure you would get the person back in your life after so many years. Krishna has fulfilled all your desires, you are indeed very luck. I am the one who lost a lot in all this, was chasing a friendship, a closeness which never existed and was never mine. Saddest part is I never realised, always believed you would be with me till the end of this story – LIFE.

O! Krishna, what did I do to deserve so much heart pain, so much I did for this person, and now I have been left as unwanted, infact you said it was a mistake you spoke to me, made me your friend etc. Why do you make me listen to such things Krishna. What is the need to keep on hurting me more and more. My feelings were never of any value in all this is it? Never was there a special place for me? Am I so unwanted? So much not lovable in all this – you to Lord Jagannath have played a role in this- isn’t it– you made this person hold my hand infront of you, and now the hand has just been withdrawn, I am left to fend for myself. Why did I deserve so much pain??? What wrong have I done in any of the earlier births to suffer like this – cant express and share with anyone, cant cry, just suffer the pain in silence.

O’ Deenabandhu – are you really listening to me? Are you really understanding my pain?? Why did you push me down like this and make me feel so low, hurt and pained. Help me O dear Krishna. Help me. Wont you perform any miracle for me??? Have my prayers been hollow and no truth in it? Have I not rendered my services to you well to hurt me this much.

How I long for this whole thing to be declared as a bad dream and my earlier friendship, love, affection restored. How I long– only you can perform the miracle. Only you O Lord of the Universe.

Extremely and deeply sad and dejected.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

O mother Radharani– only you can help now.

Being used

Life is so strange after you broke your news to me. You just said whatever you felt like and broke my heart so much. You made up your mind to spend the rest of your life with someone else, hurt me so deeply.

I just felt I was used all these years. You got back the person whom you had loved so much and showed me the way out saying everything about me was impure/illegal etc. Then what was your relationship with the one whom you had loved all these years, you too had maintained such a relationship isnt it? Broke their marriage because of that. When no one was there, you needed me, now I am no longer needed or wanted. You got back the person you loved in your life once again, so there is no place for me. No love and affection for me.

Felt really so cheated, so deeply hurt. O! Krishna I never thought someone would do this to me like this. Someone whom I met because of you, someone to whom you connected me so deeply all these years. Someone who always showered a lot of love and affection. Why then this hurt, this deep pain for me? Why did you do like this? Why did you make someone use me and abandon me now? Would it be selfish to ask for my relationship, my friendship to stand strong and the other person who was away, to be moved away forever??? Can you not do that?? Am I soooo bad that you wanted to hurt me this much??

Really too lost and sad to say anything– you are Bhavagrahi Janardhana– you should understand the pain, the hurt………what else can I say.

Life fell apart

Never imagined you would one day speak like this to me. Never imagined you would one day say this to me. Never imagined you would one day decide to just cut yourself free from me and lead your life. Oh! the pain. You said it so easily and conveniently that you intend to settle down with someone else, who was always the prime person in your life. It was so east for you to break the news. But so hard for me to accept, so hard for me to digest this truth. You really hit me so hard where it truly hurts me. Why this kind of a feeling to hit me so badly? To hurt me soo much? You just took a decision, told me to be normal. Said life would continue. It was so easy for you to say all that. It’s so very tough to imagine myself in that life where you are someone else’s. How can I live? You said I am selfish to think you should keep suffering all the time. How could you say like that? Did I not give so much of my love, affection for you all these years? Is everything I did so wrong and not of any value to you? Am I so very unwanted, insignificant in your life? I know it feels strange to say I need a special place in your life. But, what to do you have always showed that kind of love, affection, closeness to me. Now when you want to give that and share the rest of your life with someone else, it really hurts me a lot. I am so much unable to come to terms with it.

O! Krishna, what did I do to deserve this??? Why are you treating me like this? What is my mistake? You brought us close together. You made us so inseparable as soul mates. You sealed the bond of love between us. Now why this? Always made me feel some miracle will happen and we both would be inseparable. But, now why all this? Is this what you had in mind to hurt me Krishna? Then why did you bring so close together at all? My faith, belief everything is so shaken up now completely. It’s so difficult to suddenly accept this reality, change one’s feelings to something else and try to lead a normal life. I am pained so very deeply. Too deeply to actually write anymore. I always thought that you are the person who can understand me in and out and know my feelings completely. Feel so shattered now.

he krishna karuna-sindho dina-bandho jagat-pate
gopesa gopika-kanta radha-kanta namo ’stu te
O my dear Krishna, ocean of mercy, You are the friend of the distressed and the source of creation. You are the master of the cow herd men and the lover of the gopis, especially Radharani. I offer my respectful obeisances unto You.

Really numbed. Dont know what to say or do anymore. Life has really come to a standstill. Try as much I am unable to remove lot of memories about you. Try as much I am unable to come to terms with all that you said. Help me Krishna. Please. Can you not do a miracle? Can you not say that all this is not true and you will just be mine for ever…. Oh Krishna, Jagannatha, why this distress. Please help. I had so much faith in you, so much I believed you would do a miracle. Now why like this.